Trigger warning: Body-shaming, gender binary
I’m going to go out on a limb here: There is something about your body you are insecure about. Am I wrong? If I am, then you are one of the lucky few out there, but I am 100% positive you know multiple other people who are. Still disagree? You’re either not paying attention or not being honest.
While I’ve worked with vulnerable people across the lifetime, most of my work– like about 80% of BCBAs– has been with children. Over the course of the 15 years (as of this post) I have been doing that, I have also – like pretty much every Millennial in America – been working through some childhood trauma. Being cis-femme– and thus, socialized female– that trauma involves body image and my relationship with food. It’s my hypothesis that this learning history is what prompted me to take note of how adults interact with children.
See, when your brain has been rewired by trauma, there are lots of tiny things in the environment that your brain hones in on that non-traumatized brains might not. A common theme that kept standing out to me is the flippant things adults say, do, and model around the little humans around them whose brains are literally wired to absorb and internalize everything.
If you’re not analyzing your own behavior, you’re doing it wrong. So let’s call some people out.
Putting a sponge into acid
If you’re in the early education world, you’re spending most of your time with humans who have been alive for 3-7 years. At that point, their entire learning history and conscious memory consists of many, many rules, mostly revolving around “do as the authority figures in your life say.” As time goes on, that learning history just gets longer and more generalized as they start to vary their behavior and figure out how to maximize reinforcement.
Unfortunately for those who live by the old adage “do as I say, not as I do,” their brains are also picking up all of the extra things in the environment. It’s all happening while you, the authority figures, are constantly trying to reinforce said authority over them.
Young brains are forming connections from literally everything in their environment. They are primed for learning, imitating, and just generally figuring out how this environment works. There’s a reason we refer to these as the “formative years.”
If that brain has a disability, that learning history may never change. There are actual adults in this world for whom the expectations and the amount of say and control they have in their life has not changed for them since they entered pre-school. So even after their brain has started to shift from being primed to absorb information to becoming more neophobic and less plastic, those contingencies are still in place: These people know better than you. Follow their lead.
What that sponge is picking up
Before we move on, I want to acknowledge that there are a whole host of similar and nuanced issues around AMAB people and body expectations. Body shaming happens to masc people, and it is usually far less discussed or acknowledged. At the risk of contributing to that though, I want to explore the typical environment for AFAB people in western cultures, because it most clearly illustrates the point. Let’s take a look at some typical, ubiquitous media:
To be fair, Men’s Health Magazine is also plastered with “losing that gut” and “fast weight loss results,” but there’s at least some variety.
The point is that media aimed specifically at AFABs has the spotlight constantly on bodies, weight loss, getting your body to match a template, and nearly everything related to weight loss, being smaller, eating less is plastered with feminine figures. Hell, there was even a meme about it.
As such, many cis-women display behaviors in reaction to this learning history. Discussions amongst one another about their own body insecurities, lamenting the way they look, comparing themselves to one another. Even compliments can have a negative vibe.
“Wow, you look so pretty in that, I could never fit in that.”
“Look at you! I wish I could wear that.”
“No thanks for the cookie, I shouldn’t be eating those, I’m already fat.”
“You have a nice, flat belly, not like mine.”
Even talking to AMABs:
“Yeah, of course you can eat all of that, you’re a guy.”
“Typical boy, eating whatever he wants and staying skinny– so unfair!”
It’s far too young when people start encouraging AMAB young people to eat more so they can grow up big and strong and discouraging AFAB young people from eating more (despite going through similar growth spurts that require more calories) in the interest of “helping them learn to control their weight.”
And then we wonder why 8 year-olds are turning up at residential treatment facilities for eating disorders.
In the disability world especially, we might end up seeing a lot more bodies and nudity than, say, most gen-ed teachers. So when someone comes running out of the bathroom with no pants on, or decides to pull their dress up over their face, what are some things they might hear from well-meaning adults trying to make light of the situation?
“Eek! Put some clothes on!”
“No one wants to see that.”
(unrestrained panic and overreaction as a pantsless child tries to sit on someone’s lap)
All of this is sending multiple signals that far overshadow anything you say: That there are things your body should and shouldn’t have or look like, and that bodies are shameful or disgusting.
With an environment full of all of that, what makes you think the occasional statement of “you’re perfect just the way you are” is going to make any difference?
Neutralizing the acid
Let’s just start with one main rule: Shut up about your weight. Stop talking about your weight, stop talking about others’ weight. Positive or negative, just stop.
Now yes, I know this topic has been discussed and left people feeling like they can’t tell a little girl she’s pretty anymore. That’s not what I’m saying. What I’m saying is just be a little mindful of how we are complimenting looks.
Do you tell the chubby girl in mismatched clothes that she is pretty as often as you tell the skinny one in trendy clothing?
Did you have any compliments for the boys’ looks?
Did your vocabulary change? Are boys exclusively handsome, strong, or tough while girls are exclusively sweet, pretty, or nice?
Of course we all love to be told positive things about our appearances sometimes. The difference is what else about us do people notice, and what are the things that garner attention? Do you tell the child with a facial difference that you like their shirt while telling their peers that they are just “pretty?”
And yes, their brains are noticing, cataloging, and internalizing these patterns.
We all need to be conscious of everything we do in front of kids, and if that sounds too exhausting for you, then my best suggestion is to not spend extended periods of time around kids.
Alright Snowflake, so what can we say?
So glad you asked! Here are some tips:
- If you are going to talk about healthy habits, leave appearance and weight out of it. Talk about how good habits make you feel, how it helps your body fight off disease, etc.
- If you are going to talk about different bodies, make sure to talk about all different bodies and that you are doing it in a way that is either positive or neutral. “Yep! My belly jiggles and yours doesn’t. There are all different kinds of bellies out there! Isn’t that cool? What does your belly do? Oh cool! Yours makes a funny sound when you slap it with your hand.”
- Keep your insecurities to yourself. If you want to talk about or model how you’re trying to make better choices, as far as that child is concerned, it is solely so you can make sure you are healthy and feeling better – and nothing more. If a kid starts jiggling your fat and you die a little on the inside, yes, you suck it up and laugh along with them until it doesn’t hurt anymore. If nothing else, the idea of breaking this cycle for a child should help cheer you up.
- Kid talking negatively about their body? Flip it around. Redirect to the positive things about their body, whether it’s something unique they can do because of their specific body, or simply focusing on their talents. Maybe find constructive ways to share your own challenges? Like, how you couldn’t do a pull-up for a really long time either, but here are some steps you did to work up to it. Keep in mind this could be a sign of something deeper brewing, so make sure their environments are facilitating healthy conversations and consider referring to mental health professionals skilled in working with kids on body issues.
- Kid eating too much? Consider helping them feel more full instead of pointing out how much they’re eating. For those of you who have completely forgotten what it’s like to be growing, sometimes kids are legitimately ravenous because their bodies are literally pulling on all of their resources to do things like make their bones bigger and grow more brain cells. How about instead of “no, you’ve eaten enough already,” maybe try “it looks like you’re really hungry today! Why don’t we try some grapes or cheese. They might help you feel less hungry than these chips.” Cue nerdy conversation about fiber and protein versus sugar and simple carbs if you and the child feel so inclined.
- Get the focus off the number! Obesity is a real issue, especially in America, and sometimes young people do need to work on losing weight. This can become unhealthy and toxic so fast. Help the child understand that the scale may not change, even when progress is happening. Help them be mindful of how their clothes are fitting, or how they may be able to do things more easily and without getting too tired. Work with a mental health professional to keep their goals and body image realistic and healthy.
And if anyone ever says to your kid “a moment on the lips is a lifetime on the hips” punch them in the fucking face and never let them near your child again.
The Medical Industry: A Side Note
It is a well-documented and continuously ignored problem that femme patients are less likely to have their pain taken seriously or to have their health issues properly explored and treated. It’s even worse for femme people of color and trans people.
Consider everything this article just discussed about the environment surrounding AFAB and femme people when a doctor starts in on some bullshit lecture about how to eat better or whatever. If your child has been trying to address a weight issue and failing, then it’s unlikely they’re sitting around eating cookies wondering why they’re overweight. If a doctor doesn’t start looking into issues such as thyroid dysfunction, hormone imbalance, or other health problems, go to someone else. Keep fighting and pushing until someone listens and does their due diligence to help them reach healthy goals. Stop letting them get away with this.